My Story: Anxiety


Before I begin, I would like to inform you that this is very personal. If you could withhold any judgments that may occur throughout this post, please keep it to yourself. If you have any questions about anything at all I will be open to responding to any questions, but again, please do respect this post and me.

Also, quick disclaimer: if you’re uncomfortable with talk to do with drug use then I highly advise you not to read any further. Thank you!

Nevertheless, I do hope this post will help at least one of you who are suffering with anxiety or Depersonalization Disorder. It’s important to feel like your mental illness is normal and that you are not alone.


If someone was to ask me “what’s something you wouldn’t usually share” anxiety would, in fact, be my thing. Not because of the anxiety itself or not even how it came about, but how it got worse.

I was in between the ages nine to eleven – I can’t remember exactly what age - when I first experienced an anxiety attack.

I was lying in bed; drifting off into slumber when suddenly it felt unusually hard to breathe. I didn’t think anything of it to begin with. I thought that maybe it was just me and I was fine. Then finally I realised, after a short while after, that I was still finding it unusually hard to breathe and now I was beginning to feel panic. I quickly left my bed, ran to my mum and dad and cried out hysterically that I couldn’t breathe and that I was going to die.

As my mum quickly got ready to drive me to the hospital, I held my dad tight, crying out “I don’t want to die.” Of course he held me even tighter and reassured me that I was not going to die.

When we got to the hospital, by now my breathing was steadied, but mentally I wasn’t. I was shaking, still crying and could not fathom what was happening to me. My mum assumed it might be an asthma attack. Mind you, I have never had asthma before, so we thought it could be possible that it was my first asthma attack.

Doctors and nurses done tests at all hours of the morning and they didn’t find anything wrong with me. As far as they were concerned, I was psychically A-Okay. My mum and I were baffled as to what happened. Soon enough they sent me home diagnosing me with an “anxiety attack”. At the age of nine to eleven, I did not have any knowledge on anxiety, let alone anxiety attacks so life went on as habitual.

After my first anxiety attack at the ages between nine to eleven, in 2002 – 2004, I did not have any signs of another anxiety attack, so of course I thought nothing of it and life went on as if nothing happened. I did, however, battle with clinical depression throughout my teenage years due to bullying and other factors, which lead to social anxiety. Because of my social anxiety I stopped the following:

-       Staying at friends’ houses
-       Socializing with people at school
-       Socializing on the phone
-       Feeling confident with myself and my body-image
-       Going to parties

Basically, I would isolate myself from people and became anxious around anything to do with “people”. The only person I would feel comfortable talking to was my boyfriend at the time – let’s call him Andrew for the sake of confidentiality and safety.

Andrew was supportive, although I did feel like he didn’t understand my social anxiety and me. But, nevertheless, he accepted it and it never became an issue.

That was until 2012. After a three-year “very close intimate friendship-relationship” with Andrew, we broke up. I felt lost, confused, broken and most of all, I felt anxious, because my only support was gone. At the age of sixteen I felt like my world around me was crumbling. And that was the night I had my second anxiety attack.

I remember crying so much to the point I was dry-reaching that Andrew and I was no longer an item. My only stable friendship was over. I cried, I cried and I cried. I cried to the point where my body felt like it was shutting down. My breathing was, once again, unusually hard. My head began spinning and my body began trembling. I was now dry-reaching because the nausea I felt at the bottom of my stomach. My heart was racing. I felt like I was having a heart attack. To calm myself down, I researched my symptoms and the word “anxiety” popped up all over again.

The very next day, I saw my school Chaplin and gave him a sheet of paper with all the psychical symptoms I had the night before. He gave me advice and gave me a fact sheet on anxiety and soon after I was getting counselling for the “loss of a loved one” and my anxiety.

My anxiety didn’t stop there. Every day I would have at least two anxiety attacks and life before I knew it wasn’t the same. My anxiety became a part of me and I knew I had to accept it because it wasn’t going away any time soon.

Early 2013 I was still getting counselling for my new-found depression and anxiety. Life was different now, I finished high school, I was in University and I even had a new group of friendships and a new relationship. And that was of course, Kevin.

At this point, my life felt as though it was finally coming together rather than falling apart. I was happy.

I still couldn’t stay at friends’ houses because of my anxiety, I still couldn’t converse on the phone, but I was a lot more outgoing and a lot more confident with myself.

What I didn’t know was that I was turning to alcohol for an easy-fix. At the time I met Kevin, I was well and truly turning to alcohol as my support system, and I never acknowledged my behaviour until two of my friends told me that I was abusing alcohol – Just to be clear, I wasn’t drinking every hour of the day, but I was drinking every weekend – and it only got worse.

In 2013 my anxiety lessened. I now had a stable relationship with Kevin and I redeemed friendships with old friends. Andrew and I no longer resented each other and University was great. But I was still at that point in my life where I was experimenting… except alcohol was now out of the question.

My parents went away for the weekend, and Kevin was at graduation with his family, graduating. My friend, who we will call Katie for the sake of confidentiality and safety once again, was due to come over at 11:00 PM after she finished work to stay the night and keep me company. However, I wanted something to keep me occupied in the meantime since it was only 9:00 PM.

Earlier that night I became in possession of marijuana and I thought to myself, what better way to occupy myself than to get high? So, as soon as it hit 9:00 PM, I went out into my backyard and did what I did.

Looking up at the night sky, I didn’t feel an affect. I focused myself onto the moon and waited for something dramatic to happen, but I felt nothing. For a split second the moon turned into two moons but psychically, I felt no different. Unsatisfied, I went back inside.

This moment changed my life forever (and if I am being honest with you right now, I am feeling rather anxious and disconnected talking about it).

As soon as I leaned against my kitchen bench I felt my heart race faster than it has ever raced before. It felt like it was fluttering and was about to leave my chest and in that moment I felt a burst of endorphins ran through me like blood running through my veins. I felt fantastic and what I thought was “high”.

I made my way into my bedroom to enjoy the rest of the feeling but as soon as I sat on my bed and closed my eyes a burst of anxiety and a feeling I still yet struggle to describe come over me.

I no longer had control over my own body and this scared me. It really scared me.

I didn’t know what to do. I tried to tell myself it was only the “weed” that was doing this to me, but I wasn’t convinced. I actually, legitimately thought I was going to die.

I picked up my phone and after finally finding my contacts – which would have been easier if I wasn’t high – I dialed Kevin’s number. When he picked up I told him what I had done and that I knew I was going to die. I could hear the panic in his voice but he told me to stay inside and keep myself occupied until he was able to come to the rescue. Of course, as soon as I put down the phone, I didn’t listen. I went outside and life felt like it never has ever felt before.

The easiest way to describe the way I felt is: you know when you have those nightmares when you’re running to your destination but your destination gets further and further away and you know you’re never going to get there? That’s how I felt, but it was real life. Not a nightmare. It was beyond a nightmare.

After a few moments later – which felt like forever – my phone rang. I picked up my phone and it was Stevan. The beautiful man he is, stayed on the phone with me for as long as he could trying to keep me occupied and trying to keep me from doing something real stupid. After his advice, I went back inside and tucked myself into my bed and hung up the phone. Moments later, which again felt like forever, Katie was here. I was relieved. But still high.

I told her exactly what had happened and what was happening to me. She made sure I was eating and drinking and made sure I was safe. Then, finally, Kevin was here.

I began to feel okay. The feeling was wearing off and I felt exhausted. At 2:00 AM I was asleep.

The next morning I woke up, Kevin was gone and Katie was lying next to me in my bed and I couldn’t collect any memories from the night before. I felt scattered and disorientated. Soon after, Katie left to go to work and I was by myself again. I felt fine. I felt exhausted, a little sick but otherwise fine.

That was until I had another anxiety attack. This time it felt different. I felt like I was high all over again and I kept thinking to myself “is this nightmare ever going to end?!” I became very frustrated and called Kevin and told him I needed him once again.

Of course he came and he kept me company and told me I was going to be okay. I wasn’t convinced. I thought I had seriously effed myself up mentally and psychically. But I remained positive. That night, because my parents were still away, I invited some friends over for a drink or two to get my mind off of the experience. But it didn’t get any better. I kept having anxiety attacks every hour of the day and night and by the end of the night I was exhausted.

To cut the story short, my parents got home the next day and I told them what I had done because I couldn’t live with myself feeling anxious all the time and I was convinced I needed to go to the hospital. They weren’t happy. But they took me to the hospital nevertheless and the triage nurse told me she couldn’t do anything about it, as it would take a few weeks for the THC to leave my system. She reassured me that I should be fine in the next few weeks. So I went with that.
Weeks and months passed and I still was experiencing disconnected, almost-high-like anxiety attacks. I was at the point of my life where I wouldn’t leave my bed because I was constantly feeling disconnected, as though I had left my body. My daily life became so disturbed I knew I had to go and see a counsellor. And I did.

I saw my old counsellor and I told him exactly what had happened and how I have been feeling over the past few months. Because I had countless of nightmares over my experience, and smelt marijuana when it actually wasn’t near me, he diagnosed me with minor post-traumatic stress disorder and later on I self-diagnosed myself with Depersonalization Disorder.

Today I still experience ‘high-like’ anxiety attacks and my life has never been the same again.

My anxiety is worse than it ever has been. I get anxious going out to nightclubs in case of someone spiking my drinks and I feel anxious generally around a lot of people.

So, that’s that. This is my story on anxiety and how my anxiety came about.

I apologise for the lengthy post but there was a lot to talk about and cover, and I applaud you making it this far.

Like I said, if you have any questions at all, please do contact me on:

I will be happy to answer any of your questions.


  1. Thank you for your bravery in telling your story. Telling our stories helps us along the long journey of understanding who we are and letting ourselves heal.

    1. No, thank you for having the time to read it. :) x

  2. Wow, what an amazing post. I struggled with social anxiety when I was young. I appreciate this post, although my situation is nothing compared to yours. I do feel slightly connected to this. I'm not sure why. I think despite your anxiety, you should not let it define you. I see you, through your blogs, as a beautiful human being with a genuine soul and an amazing spirit. I hope that that defines you more than an anxiety disorder. Thank you for sharing your amazing story. I wish I could help in some way or another. If you ever need a pen pal, just let me know. (:


    1. I really like the situation doesn't matter - what matters is that we've faced the same similar struggle whether it be big or small. It is still important. :)

      Thank you so much Mila, you don't understand how much this really means to me. Thank you for taking time out of your day for reading, and you supporting me through your kind words is enough for me. More than enough. Thank you again x

  3. Thank you for sharing such a personal post like this on your blog. I admire your courage and your strength in doing it. In this current age, with blogs and social media in general, I find that I always end up feeling as though everyone but myself has their life together and it is a post like this makes reminds me that these online platforms are run by human beings who have their own trials and tribulations. Although my own mental battles are different to yours, I appreciate you sharing your story.

    "Above all else, we choose to stay. We choose to fight the darkness and the sadness, to fight the questions and the lies and the myth of all that’s missing. We choose to stay, because we are stories still going. Because there is still some time for things to turn around, time for surprises and for change. We stay because no one else can play our part."

    I wish you the best of luck for your recovery and for your future xx

    1. Thank you so much Nat! x

      I really do appreciate it a ton and I can't thank you enough. And that quote is beautiful.

      Thanks again x

  4. I was so pleased to see this post Jes, I have been looking forward to it for a while now (in the least weird of ways), and I just want to give you a big hug. It is so brave of you to post this.

    Sharing your story is the best way to raise awareness of mental illness, I think, because every one is different, and it shows people that what they are experiencing isn't so scary, because someone else out there got through it.

    I wish I had known this when I met you, I knew you had anxiety, but I hadn't realised how awesome it was that you were able to meet us, and I am so glad that you could.

    You are so beautiful and wonderful, and I am so pleased that I get to call you a friend. <3

    1. Oh Emma! I am sorry it took so long to come (I promised you it a while ago now), but nevertheless thank you for waiting!

      I think so too. I really love how there has been a lot of awareness around Mental Health lately. I admire everyone's support and open arms.

      Aw, Emma. It was a little difficult for me to get hyped about it, but when I was with you girls I felt completely fine. But it could have been the reason why I was quiet some of the time. But you were great company nevertheless. :)

      Thanks so much Em x

  5. It was so comforting to read this post, it's great how open you can be, it helps people like me realise we aren't alone. I admire your courage and bravery. It has encouraged me to be more open and write a post about my own personal battles. I wish you well during your recovery!

    1. Aw, thanks so much Amy. I truly does mean a lot. x

  6. I finally got to read this last night and if I'm honest, I didn't know what to say. Your honesty is somewhat overwehlming. It's so hard to talk about struggle and yet so necessary to heal. I feel that in your words, I feel what I have felt all too often myself. It's terrifying and liberating.

    Know that those who love you, love you no matter how you feel or any mistake you might make. It's scary and unfair to have so little control in who you are and how you feel. You are only human, a very great human at that.

    The more I live and learn from others, the more I have faith in recovery and I certainly have faith in you.


    1. I hope it's overwhelming in a positive way. :)

      Thank you so much Meg. It means so much to me. x

  7. I've been following this blog for a while, more as a silent reader but I certainly feel compelled to comment. Firstly, thank you for sharing this. I imagine going back to this time in your life wasn't the best thing to do but it's so incredible that you did. Maybe sharing this story can help someone else, and even give yourself some relief. <3

    anxiety is so much more than people think this is, and I pray someone who misunderstands it comes across this & opens their eyes. The people in your life are wonderful, and with them & your own personal strength I'm sure you will be able to overcome it all <3

    x leah symonne x

    1. You are more than welcome, Leah.

      You're right, it wasn't easy, but it has to be done every now and then and it was kind of good. Very cathartic. And you're right again, it is so much more than what people think.

      Thanks Leah x

  8. I really admire your bravery and honesty in writing this post. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us and I wish you the best for the future.
    Sinead -

    1. Thank you Sinead x

      You are very welcome. :)

  9. It's refreshing to read something so honest. I've always had anxiety and panic attacks but now I'm starting to handle and control my anxiety.

    1. You know what, I think so too.

      It's great that you're beginning to handle it. I'm happy for you! x

  10. Thank you. It must have been hard for you to share this with us but (even though I don't have anxiety) I'm sure that this will help some people that do. You're so brave for posting this and I really hope the anxiety attacks will start fading. I'm advising you watch this video: it's a bit lengthy but she describes what she does to calm herself down during an anxiety attack. I hope it helps a little.

    Kinga x


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