Getting Deep...

8.4.15




I’m frustrated with myself. I’m frustrated with my own expectations, with the constant stress of living up to other people’s expectations and above all … with University.

I don’t normally do this, but I owe it to you. Nearly two years later and 100+ followers later, I owe it to you. And I owe it to myself, too. I owe it to you and to myself to be real to you (and myself) on my corner of the Internet.

I don’t know what I am doing with my life.

I don’t know who I am or who I want to be.

I have been here for twenty years and I still don’t know whom I am or what I want to do with my existence. I know it’s completely “normal” to not know who you are, or what you want to do with your life – especially at only twenty -, but it’s frustrating because I feel like I have to be a certain “somebody” in order to please people rather than to please myself.

What I am trying to say is: I don’t know if being a counsellor is something I am passionate about anymore. I don’t know if it is something I want to dedicate myself to for the rest of my life. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the concept of counselling and I love the whole commotion about counselling, but what I don’t love is pretending that I am passionate about being a counsellor. Between the rest of the world and I, I’m not.

At least, I don’t think I am.

When I’m at University I do often find it interesting and alluring to be in the lecture, but when I am outside of University, my time, love and dedication goes towards my blog rather than to my assignments for University.

I love my blog. I love the concept of blogging. I love the people I meet from blogging and I love what blogging brings out of me: my love for photography.

The question I am trying to ask myself in the midst of all these words are: do I love counselling, or do I love photography more? The answer … I don’t even know.

I don’t want to quit University, but I don’t want to not-quit either.

What do I do? What do I even want to do and how do I even find out?

p.s. These are some flowers I got from Kevin and my friend for my birthday. Aren't they beautiful?!

25 comments:

  1. Ahh this sounds like a conversation I have with myself nearly everyday. After my first year of uni I dropped out because it was the most miserable year of my life and yet every now and then I get those nagging doubts that make me almost enrol again. I know it's not me that wants it though, it's the constant pressure that seems to come from everywhere, family, friends and most of all society's expectations that uni is just what you DO after school.

    I've still got not a clue what I want to do with my life but I'm happy and that's all I need for now. Chase your passion down with such an intensity that you won't have any choice but to succeed, no matter what that looks like to you.

    x Erin

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    1. That's exactly me.

      It's the constant pressure that's making me stay, really. I am really happy to hear that you're happy nevertheless. And thanks so much. This means a lot x

      Delete
  2. This sounds so familiar to me...

    I’m almost 25 and still don’t know who I am or what I want to do with my life. I thought I knew when I started college, but since the moment I created my blog I have been losing motivation for “traditional expectations” and becoming more interested in blogging, crafts, online business, etc. Family and friends can’t understand why I don’t want to follow the herd, they say things like “You HAVE TO finish your studies BECAUSE YES” or “You HAVE TO do this because is what YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO”. It’s like “Man, do you feel how sad and stupid it sounds or am I the only sane person around here?”.

    What I’m trying to say is, do what you love the most and always follow your heart because there’s no possible regrets involved in remaining true to yourself.

    (Sorry for my broken English)

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    1. Your English was perfectly fine.

      Preach, girl. We're in the same boat, here.

      Thank you so much x

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  4. I took a year out before I started University because I had these exact feelings, in my case I know it'll worth it because its more the studying part I'm not interested in not the job prospect part! If it honestly isn't making you happy and you feel its no longer worth your time then theres no harm in changing the path your heading down:)
    http://gracefulhabits.blogspot.co.u

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    1. You have a point. There is no harm in changing my path, but the thing is, I am in my last year. Is it really worth leaving now?

      Thank you so much xx

      Delete
  5. I have this conversation with myself at least yearly. I've been studying since 2010; various degrees at various universities in various states. I still have at least two years to go on my current degree, full time. I've had to talk myself off the "dropping out ledge" multiple times, and this is what I've come away with:
    I don't know what the RIGHT thing for you to do is... but my recommendation would be to stick it out. It's only one more year for you, and when you finish, you'll feel the BIGGEST sense of accomplishment! It'll be a weight off your shoulders, and something that you can look back on and feel proud of. I completely understand how hard it is though. Best of luck! x

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    1. Exactly what I have told myself multiple times; it's one more year (if I find placement, otherwise more than a year).

      I appreciate your honesty and advice, thank you Nancy x

      Delete
  6. Oh Jes, thank you for sharing with us, I know how hard it is to admit this to the world, it's like bearing all and giving in to the awkward feeling you get when someone asks you what you want to do with the rest of your life.


    If I can give you an advice from what I've learnt, for whatever it's worth. Give yourself time. Decisions you make when you are rushed or stressed are often not right. So take your time, keep your options open but listen to yourself. xx

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    1. Thanks for the advice Meg. I appreciate it. x

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  7. I've been in this position before. Don't be afraid to take a semester or a year off! Taking time away can be the best thing. It allows you to grow as a person, to travel, to take time out to chill and not feel the weight or expectation of deadlines. This is most likely the only time in your life where you can afford to take time away from any sort of obligations!

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    1. You're totally right. Thanks Carolyn x

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  8. Definitely a tough time for you. I've been asking myself the same question for the past couple years: photography vs. another more "practical" career. I dunno - can't I have both?? It's not easy for sure, but I like to think that in our 20s we have a lot of time to try to figure things out. Keep exploring, keep doing the things you love! And most of all, be patient with yourself and your indecision!

    Also, the flowers are lovely. Baby's breaths are my favorite =)

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    1. I think you can have both, and you should if that's what you really want. :)

      Thanks Liz. I really appreciate it. And I had no idea that they were called baby breaths! Thanks for that, haha! x

      Delete
  9. Ah life, self doubt, decision making...it's all so hard. Just be reflective and not make any rash moves unless you feel sure about it. Just see everything as an experience that guides you to where your headed.

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  10. Ah life, self doubt, decision making...it's all so hard. Just be reflective and not make any rash moves unless you feel sure about it. Just see everything as an experience that guides you to where your headed.

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  11. It is so comforting to hear something so real and that hits close to the heart. I'm much the same, even though I've a couple years ahead of me to 'decide' I feel as if I am never sure of what to do. University is the hardest in the sense that you feel pushed to follow through with whatever you're taking, and often nobody quite pulls out. But do know that it is practically impossible to have one set idea on what you want to do for the rest of your life - change happens all the time. It's how we find what we love doing most. And you have an idea, and that suffices. :)
    Do me a favour, don't take it out on yourself Jes. When the time rolls around, I believe you'll know. Best of luck x

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    1. Thanks Rachel. I'll be sure to do that. x

      Delete
  12. I totally understand you, I feel exactly the same!!! I think that we have to finish uni first and then decide about the future :) Life is all about doubting haah you'll never know if you made the right decision.
    By the way just found your blog and love it!! your photography is amazing <3

    https://aspoonfulofnature.wordpress.com/

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  13. I'm halfway through university and I'm having the same doubts. I don't know what I want to do with my degree or life after school, and I've fallen more in love with blogging over the last few months. It's definitely rough not knowing what to do. I've found it most helpful to talk to people who know me really well and can remind me of pros and cons of each big decision that I wouldn't have thought of myself. I hope you figure it all out!

    theacataleptic.blogspot.com

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  14. I am 100% in the same boat as you - I'm in college studying psychology, which is a subject I love and I think can lead to a lot of careers that are interesting to me. However, my passions are writing, photography, inspiring and connecting with people which leads me to be lost in my pursuits of what to do with my life. I've worked so hard to get where I am in school, it seems silly to quit and it's not like I want to quit either, there's just so many other things I want to do. I'd say do what feels right, go with your gut (although from the sounds of it, your just as conflicted as I am about it all), just keep doing what your passionate about and everything will work out :)

    sarahinwonderlandtheblog.blogspot.com

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    1. Really does sound like you are in the same boat as me.

      We'll get through it, I'm sure of it! x

      Delete
  15. I felt the exact same thing when I was 20 - it was my final year of Uni and I had so many doubts about what I'd spent the last few years doing (Bachelor of Communications majoring in Screen Studies and Production) as I realised it wasn't what I was passionate about anymore. All of my friends who are still in Uni feel the same way and some of them have even changed degrees or quit university altogether.

    All I can tell you is what I did - I stuck it out, graduated and then got a job that wasn't directly or indirectly related to my degree (Digital Communications and Marketing). I'm quite glad I did that because some of my friends still have years left before they graduate - I didn't want that to be me. I wasn't someone who felt like they belonged at uni - those three years for me were about having time to figure out who I was and I did and I was ready to move on.

    I honestly think you need to just follow your heart but use your head - think about whether you want to graduate with this degree, change and study something else, or pursue your passion of photography. Try to picture your life and follow the path that will make you the happiest.

    Best of luck Jes <3

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  16. Oh Jes, I think I know some of what you're feeling. it's very tough not knowing what your next move is - but this is what this season of our lives is about! embrace it as much as possible. it's OK not to know. if you ever want to talk it through, shoot me an email. xoxo

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